Well It's been a couple weeks since my first attempt at this blogspot thing. So Im just going to start writing and see where it takes me. ...
A big controversial subject in my life right now is God. Not controversial in the fact of wether or not he exists but more in the question of am I ready for the adventure ahead of me. There is a part of me screaming "SUBMIT YOURSELF" but another part (equally as loud I might add) "Never Give In". I believe that if I open myself up to completeing surrendering myself I would have a void filled. However, I would be giving up a lot as well. Including all that I am comfortable with. My life is filled with things that have been around me for years, if not my entire life. This includes friends, and habits.
Friends weigh heavy on my heart these days. As for the friends that have been there. My dearest and oldest friends will be there no matter what. We have been with eachother through so much and I can't see anything getting between us. I have new friends coming into my life and I am a little nervous about letting them in. I don't want to let people to close I feel overly vulnerable, and yet with the majority of these new comers I can't help it. In the short time I have known them they have made a big impression on my heart. However, I am not comfortable with them and when I examine this it becomes clear to me why. They challange me. Not in a aggressive sense of the word but in the fact that they believe in me, look at me with fresh eyes and expect certain things. My friends that are coming from my new curiousity in God are challenging me to look at it more than curiousity but in the relm of questioning. Do I want God in my life? Why am I pursueing God? I don't know the answers to these questions yet but I am finding each day that I need more and more of God in my life. Am I prepared to make these sacrafices? I would like to say Yes, I would like to scream Yes... but in reality I am still holding back. My faith is weak and I am ashamed of that. I want to control things and I know he simply smiles at me and lets me struggle until I give in and trust him to lead the way. I feel him try to guide me but I push away. So why is it so hard for me to listen? Why do I make it so difficult?
Then I have those friends that have been in my life a couple years. They have been there for me as well through times of trouble but they have been the cause of some of the trouble at times. They do not challenge me, I never have to answer to them. They are comfortable and there. I never have to worry about not being good enough, fun enough or whatever it might be. Im just one of the guys and I like it that way. They don't question my choices in schooling or work. I don't have to talk if I don't want to and if I do they just listen. Im not sure what's happening but as of lately I haven't been hanging out with them that much. Someone suggested maybe it's the simple fact that I would never walk away from them so just let them walk away.
I think about giving up all the things I think I need, and I get a sick sensation. It worries me and I don't understand why. i will meditate on this further and see what happens but for now I will try to surrender try to submit. Both two words I have never had in my vocabulary.
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