Im not doing well at this entire Surrender thing

Im such a unique person! Im independent as hell, and love to be that way. I take care of myself and noone can change that. I trust few people and open myself up very little. Im close to few people but to those people they are my life. I will do anything for my close friends. I don't know why the last couple days Ive felt this increase in my confidence in my abilities. But Im glad it's here. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. Its time for action. No more sitting around waiting for things to happen. Insanity by definition is doing the same thing over and over and expecting differant results. This is my blog, I write what I want. This is my life. I do what I want.

A Morning Fishing

So the other morning I went fishing (again). This has become a morning ritual lately. I get off work at 6am and go to my favorite spot at a little pond close to my house. Rainbow trout, are abundant in that pond, and easy to catch. Well a friend asked why I go to this pond and not others and I answered "because I like it there, the fish are there and easy." The words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was comfortable. I didn't want to venture out becuase I had found a spot where I had caught fish and had grown to learn the way of that pond. I had been fishing at that perticular pond since I was 6 years old and never questioned it before.

Well I asked my friend where he fished and after a little while longer of talking we decided to go find a new spot on Shasta lake. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea but was so determined to spread my wings I went for it. So I found that he was a bass fisherman, a differant type of fish I had only tried a few times, with little luck. He teased me about it saying "Bass put up more of a fight and are craftier than trout. Your a lazy fisherman so you settle for trout." Again a perspective I read into way beyond fishing. CRUD!! That was it I was going deep see fishing!! no I wasn't doing that but agreed that Bass could be interesting.

I get off work at 6am pick him up and we head for Lake Shasta. What a beautifull sight at 6:30AM! so I pull to one of the boat ramps. He says oh no the good fish are futher in. Ok we drive in a little more. We get out of the car and we start to walk. We walked 3 miles into the woods. (Yeah I didn't plan that!) Where we came to the train trecel, he said that the fish like to hover around the pillars that go into the water, supporting the train tracks. We should fish here. Ok sounds good. Now anyone who knows me knows I am terrified of heights! I hate it!

We start down this little hill which looks to me like a scene from Vertical Limit. As I am walking down this hill I am freaking out. I can just picture myself tumbling down the bank and into the cold water. Of course my friend starts vaulting down like the rock climbing pro that he is! Ok Ok only another, 250 feet and than a easy 100 feet to the water. I can do this I can do this. My knees are shaking, I want to cry. He's at the bottom now, "whats taking so long?" If I don't ring his neck when I get there it'll be a miracle! Just about now I am on the verge of giving up, I hate heights and I can't do it. Im to heavy, clumsy and scared. I just can't. It hits me, I haven't asked for any help. So I take a deep breath, and ask god

"Lord, I can't do this on my own. Be my legs as I walk this hill. Hold my hand to keep me steady, Be my wisdom to avoid loose rocks. I am trusting in you lord to carry me down." Step after step on steady legs I was down the hill. He couldn't believe it. My friend was at a loss for words. He said he looked at one point and I was still way up the side and the next I was next to him. I just smiled and said, I put it in gods hands. He rolled his eyes.

We fished for a good 3-4 hours and had a blast. He caught 2 bass and well I didn't catch any but that's ok. I had the best time and I will be practicing a lot more now. Not to mention I will be exploring differant areas to fish. Because I am not a lazy fisherwoman.

Another wonderfull day in the life of the not so rich and famous

Wow. OK. I have been blocking the entire concept of submit / surrender. I have never used either of these words in my vocabulary before. But I have searched and decided that I need to completely surrender my life to God. Let him develop me into what he has planned for me. Rather than trying to control and make myself into what I think I should be. So here it goes. I will no longer worry about the things of my life (easier said than done, I realize this). I will turn to God in my times of, not only, need but also glory. I am living for a higher purpose and will try my best to listen for what he is saying to me.

When I said tommorow I ment a couple weeks :o)

Well It's been a couple weeks since my first attempt at this blogspot thing. So Im just going to start writing and see where it takes me. ...

A big controversial subject in my life right now is God. Not controversial in the fact of wether or not he exists but more in the question of am I ready for the adventure ahead of me. There is a part of me screaming "SUBMIT YOURSELF" but another part (equally as loud I might add) "Never Give In". I believe that if I open myself up to completeing surrendering myself I would have a void filled. However, I would be giving up a lot as well. Including all that I am comfortable with. My life is filled with things that have been around me for years, if not my entire life. This includes friends, and habits.

Friends weigh heavy on my heart these days. As for the friends that have been there. My dearest and oldest friends will be there no matter what. We have been with eachother through so much and I can't see anything getting between us. I have new friends coming into my life and I am a little nervous about letting them in. I don't want to let people to close I feel overly vulnerable, and yet with the majority of these new comers I can't help it. In the short time I have known them they have made a big impression on my heart. However, I am not comfortable with them and when I examine this it becomes clear to me why. They challange me. Not in a aggressive sense of the word but in the fact that they believe in me, look at me with fresh eyes and expect certain things. My friends that are coming from my new curiousity in God are challenging me to look at it more than curiousity but in the relm of questioning. Do I want God in my life? Why am I pursueing God? I don't know the answers to these questions yet but I am finding each day that I need more and more of God in my life. Am I prepared to make these sacrafices? I would like to say Yes, I would like to scream Yes... but in reality I am still holding back. My faith is weak and I am ashamed of that. I want to control things and I know he simply smiles at me and lets me struggle until I give in and trust him to lead the way. I feel him try to guide me but I push away. So why is it so hard for me to listen? Why do I make it so difficult?

Then I have those friends that have been in my life a couple years. They have been there for me as well through times of trouble but they have been the cause of some of the trouble at times. They do not challenge me, I never have to answer to them. They are comfortable and there. I never have to worry about not being good enough, fun enough or whatever it might be. Im just one of the guys and I like it that way. They don't question my choices in schooling or work. I don't have to talk if I don't want to and if I do they just listen. Im not sure what's happening but as of lately I haven't been hanging out with them that much. Someone suggested maybe it's the simple fact that I would never walk away from them so just let them walk away.

I think about giving up all the things I think I need, and I get a sick sensation. It worries me and I don't understand why. i will meditate on this further and see what happens but for now I will try to surrender try to submit. Both two words I have never had in my vocabulary.